Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
