im six kinds of drunk right now
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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