oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
