just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You were trust falling into bushes
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
