So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
