Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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