I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
