I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
