Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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