my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
love makes seman taste better
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
