I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Green mimosas i think yes
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Drunk is a universal language darling
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
