My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You ate ashes out of my bong
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
