why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
