I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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