for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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