google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
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