I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
