I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
