I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
