Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
