Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
