then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
should my penis look like a turkey
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
