Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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