My underwear smells like fireworks.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
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