you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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