I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
