U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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