The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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