Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
