You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
