Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
