is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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