Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
