Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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