Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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