New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
