its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
