Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm at about main and main street
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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