wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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