dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
