I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
