do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
