You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
