dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
