I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
