you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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