your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
