I just made out with a guy for $7.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
