My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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