Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You may now shotgun with the bride
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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