thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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