he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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