Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
