Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You're like the curious george of whores
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
