Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
